You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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