Can i not drive my cunt home
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
