i need an iv and a liver transplant
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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