That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
