rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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