I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
