Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
