I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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