my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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