my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize