So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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