My first STD was from a foam party
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
