I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
