he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
