Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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