I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
