are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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