So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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