do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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