You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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