i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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