I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
