so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
