i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
