Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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