mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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