You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
