whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
