Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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