i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
