she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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