Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
try to milk me bitch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
