..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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