I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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