can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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