I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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