how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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