My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
