Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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