did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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