I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
