I wish I could teleport
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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