I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
