I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
