I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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