Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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