Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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