I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
