i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
