Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
