awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
