If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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