Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
