Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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