Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
