The best revenge is premature balding
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
