The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
