i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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