just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
