i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
