His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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