i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
