I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
