Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
4 words: hood of his car
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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