I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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