Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize