I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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