Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
