Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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